Since my other posts were kind of long, I figured I would share one of the many means of surviving my anxiety and keep things short and cute.
Since my other posts were kind of long, I figured I would share one of the many means of surviving my anxiety and keep things short and cute.
I am a high porosity colored girl who watches YouTube hair videos of other colored girls who are ALL low porosity. I recently stumbled upon two YouTubers who are not low porosity. So there is hope for me yet. So I felt like it would be cool to create some content for the few and still proud.
Just for the sake of clarity, high porosity is a term used to describe porous hair. Just think of open pores that never close. So we accept moisture easily but we typically don’t keep our moisture. There are a lot of spells that allow you to check your hair’s porosity. The one that worked for me was just taking a strand of my hair when it was clean and dry and cupping that one strand between my fingers and sliding my fingers up the shaft of my hair. If you try this approach, and you feel little bumps on your hair strand, you have high porosity hair. My hair felt like brail when I did this test.
I wanted to share my favorite products for a while but I also wanted to make sure I spent enough time using them before recommending anything. So it’s been almost about six months to a year of using most of what made it onto my short list with the exception of two products which I have been using for a few months. I am ok with them being on the list because I am getting more familiar with my hair and knowing what it responds to well enough to know that I will keep using them.
The day one
Shea Moisture Curling Gel Soufflé- This product is hit or miss for most people. Most people complain that it leaves a sticky residue. And that it just doesn’t make sense to them and their wash and go. I don’t know how they are incorporating it but for me, this is honestly the only gel that allows my hair to stay moisturized. It’s the first product I used in my first wash and go attempt and it’s the only product that I have kept in rotation and repurchased many times. I have tried a good amount of gels and in the end when I leave this product out of my routine I end up having to add it in the very next day because my hair has dried out. My high porosity hair means that my porous hair accepts moisture easily and loses it even easier. So I can use this gel after a leave in for a two product wash and go which will last 4 -5 days or if I’m going for a longer lasting combo (7 days plus) I can add the gel sparingly as the final step over another gel (I always start with a leave in) My main advice is that this product should be used on soaking wet hair.
For a longer lasting wash and go, I use Aunt Jackie’s Don’t Shrink gel after my leave in. Then I go over the gel with my curling gel souffle from Shea Moisture. I would say it’s my favorite combo. I don’t do it as often only because I am exercising daily and the Pure Barre studio don’t deserve my best wash and go combo.
Eden Body Works Marshmallow Hydration Serum
In the world of YouTube I would’ve never thought a serum should be in a wash and go routine. Most hair gurus swear by a cream leave-in which honestly don’t do much for my hair. Gotta thank one of my YouTube faves Lydia Tefera for her video testing out this serum because it was a game changer for my wash and go routine and I have been using it for close to year now. I use the hydration serum as my first step in my wash and go (leave in). I also use it to refresh my hair if day 4 creeps up on me and I’m not ready for wash day. It really provides lasting hydration. It smells great and like curling soufflé it has a watery consistency but it’s not as sticky. I would still say use on soaking wet hair.
Pantene Rescue Shots
Admittedly good marketing made me try this product and an anxiety about not learning how to trim my ends made me feel like 5 bucks for three small treatments was a fair trade. I would say you can get about three uses out of each tiny tube. The treatment is applied from the middle of your hair strands to the tips. So I have been using this treatment for over a month now and each time I get comments on how my hair looks darker and healthier. I really love it especially on my shampoo days. I have been trying a few different approaches to shampooing in an attempt to retain moisture while getting a decent cleanse. Even if I use a shampoo that feels like it has taken too much of my moisture these shots feel like they bring the moisture right back. And they smell so luxurious. I already repurchased.
Mane Choice Prickly Pear Over Night Mask and Foam Shampoo
These two products are my current routine. I have washed my hair four times with this routine which is just a little close to a month for me. I love these products because it feels like they support my laziness. I put the mask in overnight. I shampoo the next day and I follow up with my rescue shot and my hair looks like someone cares about it.
When I am not being lazy my absolute favorite deep conditioner is by Obia Naturals it’s their Babassu Deep Conditioner. It is so moisturizing. My hair drinks it up every time. My curls look curlier just from applying. Sometimes I don’t even want to wash it out. It’s said to have super clean ingredients and is PH balanced.
For the even lazier days, I swear by Garnier’s One Minute Mask. It has about three different uses. It can be a leave in, conditioner or a hair mask. I have used the masks all three ways. I enjoy it the most as a leave in detangler and a hair mask. I purchase the sample sizes. They are great for travel and priced well depending on where you go.
Grow it girl Growth Spray
Imagine me in Urban Outfitters........ I can’t lie that pricy “Hipsters R Us” has got me. One product that they carry I actually purchased online from the product site first. I have since repurchased at Urban Outfitters because me waiting on a delivery is comparable to a child waiting for Santa the night before Christmas. I check my emails in one hour intervals. I reach at phantom objects in my mail box. It’s just not emotionally healthy. I lack patience.
About the product
I love this product for the way it feels on my scalp. It feels like it means to help. Admittedly anything with Peppermint will feel that way. This spray has peppermint, rosemary and aloe in it as well. I spray it on while my hair is wet and clean and I feel like I smell like I have just been to a spa that means business and uses local natural products. Has my hair grown? I feel like it has. But I also am learning washing it pretty often really helps with moisture retention which also helps with retaining hair length.
All of my faves (except the one minute mask and growth spray.) are on my list in my Amazon Store Front
I have decided to keep a simple promise to myself. To sit down at my computer and reclaim my love for writing. My love for it started out of such a simple belief that I liked it and that I had something to say. That was all it took to pledge my allegiance to a craft that has since become a fixture in my constant battle with “imposter syndrome."
The more I liked it, the more I wanted to be great at it. The louder you declare yourself a writer, I quickly learned, the more people will come out of nowhere to critique it. I think the most annoying thing I have observed strictly speaking from my own experience is the readiness people have to accept that someone is a writer when they are not a person of color.
But when a person of color says that they do anything in a professional capacity there is an instant request for their credentials and a readiness to critique their work. That has mainly been my experience. I am not speaking for the entire community. I am speaking of my experiences and my observations. I have been reciting my resume since high school.
I have been critiqued since high school. And I learned pretty early on that it is an insanely subjective trade. My means of survival through college was to write to the interests of whoever was critiquing my work. It worked for a little while. But eventually my desire to grow as a writer became difficult to ignore. I mean I am going into debt here. I might as well try to experiment and learn while there is no obligation to taking care of a family or (student loans). I wanted to do more than parrot revisions of established opinions that were being taught to me. I did want to be able to tell the stories of others.
But I wanted to expand my voice as well. I can honestly say that my skin was not thick enough for the critiques that I knew would follow committing to such a venture. Nevertheless, I tried it anyway. I graduated by the skin of my teeth. Ego bruised, confidence non-existent and in the kind debt that inspires panic attacks that feel eerily similar to my asthma attacks. My final lab professor (reporting class) looked at me one evening during her office hours and said words that I am just accepting now (to quote the Queen of the North, “I’m a slow learner. But I learn”).
“Ju’lia, it feels like you are defeated. It even shows in your body language. You shrink up when we discuss your writing.” In that moment, I became cripplingly loyal to being defeated. I would eventually believe that I was broken.
You hear so many stories about people who lost so much of their lives building up a dream that never happened. That at some point they had to walk away and painfully start over. Most of the times it enables them to accept the very things that they use to passionately reject. I spent years wondering if that was my intended journey. Why couldn’t I go with a practical major? Why didn’t I have the mind for engineering or science?
If you actually read all of this, I respect you. And I am guessing you are wondering how I worked with this energy while creating Worthy Magazine. My answer is cheesy. I hate typing sentences like this. I always question the authenticity of these words whenever I see them or read them. But my discomfort and distrust of these next few statements can’t make them less true. These are cheesy facts.
Every issue of Worthy was just as much for me as it was for my desired readers. I needed those messages. I needed to write some of those words. But I still found myself trying to create content that I thought people would read. I was still trying to tell the stories of others while not even believing in my ability to do so. It took me years to realize that I stopped writing for me even in the most intimate sense.
What I liked about writing all those years ago was the freedom to get out what I needed to say. I lost it in the pursuit of being a “gatekeeper of history,” which is a popular journalist mantra. And then I let the critiques on my ability to do that corrupt and convert my passion into fear. I became voiceless, by CHOICE. I think it is important to say that it was a choice because I still had critiques that spoke favorably of my ability to write. I realize now that there were honestly just as many positive critiques as negative critiques. But I have no problem admitting that my mind has always had a unique ability to absorb the negative much easier than anything positive.
I hate that my intro to starting something new has to be buried so close to the end of a growing text but to sum everything up that I am trying to say, I am now creating as a release and a way to reclaim my voice. I can’t say that I will be doing this with confidence. I am still insecure. I still see myself as broken. I can still quote verbatim some college critiques that surpassed reviewing my work at the time and tried to predict my professional future. So I can’t say that everything will be flawlessly executed. I do hope I get to see that day though. What I am certain of is that there is a place for my voice. And if the things I create never mean anything to anyone else, they will mean something to me much like this piece that I am writing and sharing.
I am currently working while feeling broken and while my anxiety originally flourished in such a space, and after years of being afraid to move and too sick to create, I have realized what most people who break and don’t die realize, which is that my obstacles forced me to adjust just to endure them, which forced me to evolve.
I have never been more effective in knowing how to take care of myself and understanding the NEED to do so. I have never been more calm when telling someone, ‘No’. I have NEVER been more at peace with not taking a call. I have never been more kind to myself. So while some people would think it is a terrible thing to admit to, I would say the fear of speaking about it betrays a lack of understanding of what it means to be broken and how it can inspire change if you let it. I would accept that claiming brokenness while not trying to change could be bad thing. But transparency and vulnerability have taken on a powerful meaning to me.
And I can assure you that this isn’t a selfish “creative” declaration about creating for myself exclusively. I know that I will still have to write pieces that are not strictly just for my own interests. This is a declaration about returning to a practice that I abandoned years ago. This is about working on my confidence. And getting back to loving something that means so much to me. And while my skin is getting a little itchy ( I scratch when I am nervous) as I write this long promise to myself, I have a small glimmer of hope about the success of this commitment. I have found that the things I did with a casual attitude and a sincere interest have always ended up getting more interaction from people who I wouldn’t even guess were paying attention.
So if you were looking for an unexpected but direct sign that your interests matter and that your efforts are seen, you can take this as your confirmation. We never know who is listening, watching or reading. You never know who references you as motivation. Keep going predominantly for your own sake.
But get acquainted with the fact that there is real intention behind your existence and your creative contribution to the space that you occupy.
- You are Worthy
Meditation, a plant based diet, crystals and an oracle deck for my meditations all came together to create a pretty legitimate argument for why I might be practicing witchcraft. I can't pretend that I don't see how the inference was made. I should have known the question would eventually be asked outright when I was making a meditation space in my bedroom with my room door wide open. My older brother walked by and just stopped. I pretended to not notice that he was just standing there. I thought it worked because he resumed walking into the next room but he walked by again and casually said "Mom said stop with all the weird stuff." He never even stopped walking.
Shortly after that my little brother looked at me during my morning coffee/ journal time and saw my four card draw, from my meditation and prayer session, beside my journal and asked as his forehead crinkled up in fear, "Are you practicing witchcraft?" Out of the mouths of babes, right? His tone was almost like he expected me to say yes and break into a sacred chant. Not that I don't enjoy chanting a nice mantra. Those are pretty great. But that wasn't the moment to introduce any of the mantras I like.
But I can't help it if I enjoy Deepak Chopra and Louise L. Hay or that I think that Doreen Virtue has amazing advice for what I am going through right now. I make no apologies for pursuing what works for me at the moment. If it is a strange formula, that is fine because it is my formula. My walk with God has never really felt more intimate than it does now. When I want to keep my mind on God's love during a rough day, I look at my rose quartz that is shaped like a heart. And that love suddenly feels real to me and I feel grateful to hold that love in my hands. The shit really hit the fan when my meditation wand arrived. But I can't pretend that I was worried about how it looked by that point.
So with each meditation and prayer, I become closer to accepting that everything I aspire to be is already in me and that I don't need to find anything someplace else. It reminds me of my traditional Pentecostal upbringing. I am more than a conqueror. I have just chosen to focus on the positive. I am actively pursuing light and if it looks wrong, then I am ok with that.
At this point, I view everything that I use as visual aids in my faith. It is so easy to imagine the things that we fear but somehow we have learned that it is difficult to imagine the things that we hope for.
I figured it would be helpful to share my little story because it was almost a three year process to get a point where I could go to church and not feel bad for falling asleep while listening to Louise L. Hay.
My over-all message is pretty simple.
Your spiritual walk is your own. The people who ask questions or jump to conclusions are not the same ones shouldering your issues with you.Do what works for you and be happy when you find a way to make it signature to your needs. Your faith is an intimate relationship and like you it is not supposed to be like anyone else, regardless of what faith you identify with.
Hope it helps.
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